jade ed gypsy

Thursday, September 29, 2005

“Blood and Condoms”, or “How I Spent My Summer Vacation”

“Ahh,, ummm…really, M’am, the lubricated are much more…ahh,…ummmm…comfortable.”
“Joe” I say into my cell phone, “Kyle says the lubricated are much more comfortable.”
Sighing with exasperation Joe proclaims “Tell Kyle that I don’t care about comfort, I like it rough and there’s going to be a lot of blood.”
I smile sweetly at Kyle and say “We really do need them un-lubricated.”
“Um…Ok… well, we only have, um… lubricated.” Kyle stutters, blushing madly.
“Joe, dear, they don’t have any un-lubricated ones. --Yes, I understand, you’re not flexible on this. --I’ll keep looking. --Talk to you soon. --Yes, I know, you better love me after this. See you tonight.”
I started to walk away from the counter, and Kyle, the Assistant Manager entitled with the awesome responsibility of condom counter key holder, calls me back. “M’am, um…how many do you need?”
“Well, I need a lot of them.” I reply.
“Uhhh…well…” he lowers his voice “I think you can get three of them at 7-11.”
“Oh. Great. Thanks” I exclaim, “that’ll get us through tonight.”

Ok, Ok… Airplane Jayne loves this story. And I know what you’re all thinking. But really it was quite innocent. You see, it was opening night of “Romeo and Juliet.” I had called The Director and asked if he had picked up the blood for Tybalt’s death scene. He hadn’t. He wasn’t planning on it. I knew that this amounted to a very serious Bear Poking violation. The fight choreographer, Joe, had been very patient. Well, as patient as is possible for Joe, aka “The Bear.” So I told The Director, “Fine, I’ll get the blood.”

So I went to the “Blood Store.” There were several options, so I called Joe and asked which one to get. With his help I found a small tube that was acceptable and left the store.
“OK, I’ve got your blood. I’m gonna go home and get ready. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Wait!” says Joe, “You have to get the condoms too.”
“Joe…..I refuse to buy condoms for a man I am not sleeping with.”
“But, I have to have the condoms for the blood packs, or when my throat gets slit, there will be no blood”
“Fine, I’ll buy the damn condoms, but you have to tell me that you love me first.” “I love you with all my heart.”
“Ok, I’ll buy the condoms. See you tonight.”

I get in the car and my phone rings. It’s Joe, of course. “Do you know what kind of condoms to get?”
“Well, I’m assuming un-lubricated is best.”
“Oh God Girl- I really do love you for knowing that.”

Small tube of water-washable blood (enough for 1 weekend)… $2.99
36 pack of Un-lubricated Trojans (The red box)… $24.95
Knowing what kind of condoms will make a man happy… Priceless

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